Rant # 16: Just Coz I Am So Gay

After 3 weeks of silence towards him, I decided to end it. I just thought, it's so tiring to isolate yourself from the group that you always have to deal with just because of a single someone who you don't want to talk with. I can do that. I was able to do that ever since. But not this time though. Not with someone I see and hear every minute and second and milli-second. I'm trying to move on. And talking with him I think would be the better first step for me to be able to totally do that.

Oh well I think I know the reason why he left me. I think it's because I am SOOO GAY. I mean, I act, talk, and sound like a gay (because I really am) - so soft. Yeah. I remembered him telling me one day that, if we're together, people seemed to look at us like we're so weird and that I am a gay benefactor and he's the beneficiary (I don't think I look like a dirty old gay that people will think about it). Anyway, I didn't actually think about that. I just dismissed that thought because I really don't care about what people would say regarding gay couples.

And I think I have a sound judgment as to whether that can be his reason or whatnot. I don't know. I just felt it. And if that's true then I now don't know what to do, how to feel, what to think and stuff. I will be the angriest man in the world and I will think of him as a cockroach that doesn't have a mind, soul and feeling and that deserves to be stamped, beheaded and killed. I will think he's not human at all!

I can't accept that reason because to begin with, he was the one who hit on me. I was asking him before why he told me he liked it to be with me and that why he loved to have me as his partner. He told me, it's beyond reason. He knew right from the start that this is me! I act, talk and behave this way! I assumed, he was able to accept me as me. That is something that I've been looking for a partner. But again, No! He left me because of it. Again, he should've not told me those if he didn't really mean it and if he was not even sure about that feeling.

I even asked him before if it's ok with him to have a partner who is so gay! He laughed at it and told me, 'yes of course!' And even wondered why people tend to think that their partner has to be so discrete. He said, having a so gay partner is actually ok. It doesn't matter, he added. As per him, what matters most is the feeling. Well, let me give him a rolling eyes on this.

He's eating his words! He lied to me and if I'm gonna count the number of lies he had when we're together, that would make the Philippines the richest country in the whole wide world!

He did not tell me about it, neither any of our friends did. And I can't do anything about it anymore if that's really the case. Again and again, the least that I can do is sigh and move on as if nothing happened and as if I don't feel anything (when the truth is, something happened and I feel a lot). This is so ridiculous!