Rant # 11: Silence (Week 2)

And the silence goes on.

I hate him more especially when I saw him cuddling with his quote and quote "highschool" classmate. Obviously, both of them have a thing for each other. Our friends are not telling me about them but I know that they know. I am not that gullible not to notice it. Anyways, I think they look better for each other. I want to quote my gay friend but I just don't wanna say it. It might offend them. I have to understand, not everybody can understand us.

I really hate to realize that there are really people who cannot seem to understand. It might be because of the time you've spent together or they just don't want to understand. I'm not sure. If they're gonna say, that is who they are... let me say it back to them... THIS IS ALSO WHO I AM... If I can't change them the way they are then they can't change me even more.

(Sigh)

Oh well... I just can't imagine how pathetic I became.

...that I even begged him not to leave me. I was thinking, perhaps, we can still work our relationship out and you just don't know how I'm already attached with him that it hurts me to just even think he's with somebody else.

- he said, no.
- I said, perhaps you didn't really love me to begin with.
- he said, yeah. Because, according to him, If he did and if he still does, having me back might have been so easy for him. But no! That is not the case. *ouch*

My friend told me why in hell did I do that. Where's my self-esteem and respect to myself? I answered, I don't know with a straight face.

Sometimes, I thought, perhaps I also have my own share of personality disorder. My partners are always dropping me off so easily. And I mean all of them. So there must have been a problem that I cannot figure out. I am sweet, thoughtful, loving... What? I am jealous... yeah. But... I think it's kind of normal. I really can't understand why people do that to me. Am I not destined for a stable partner? Or again, haven't I just met him yet? I hate it.

He told me 'he's not able to feel the whirlwind romance' that he's craving for in a relationship.

- i said, what about the text message that you sent to me saying that you love the feeling of how it is to be with me and something like that?
- he said, it was a different thing. We started out as instant friends.
- he said he was looking for the long-talk-beneath-the-stars experience and stuff like that.
- I just said, for me, the time when you accompanied me going to Market Market and when we were like running wet on the street, when we were cooking simple food like sardines because we didn't have money to eat at any fast food anymore, when we shared money come last week before the payday, when we slept together and all, were I think the whirlwind romance that I can cherish and smile with.
- He said, (none)

He's really good in doing that. He loves keeping me hanging and giving me vague answers.

By the way, going back to the people-who-cannot-seem-to-understand part of this rant, somebody told me to STOP BEING SO BLUNT ABOUT MY ESCAPADES ESPECIALLY WHEN IM DRUNK OR SOMETHING. Take note of the drunk.

- I asked, why?
- She said, because the negative effect is on you.
- I asked, what?
- She said, it'll make people the impression that you're bitter.
- I asked when, I'm drunk?
- She said, yes.
- In my mind, weird. But I just said, because I am bitter! Then I asked, why?
- She said, she just heard it. End.

I really hate it when people are giving me very very vague answer. I can accept criticisms or suggestions, but you have make things clear for me before I'll take it. Otherwise, I'll be offended.

I found that above conversation kind of offensive. Hey! In my situation right now? What I need most is not someone who will slap me with how bitter I am. I know! I am bitter! You can't blame me though because over and above, I was hurt. All I need this time is someone who will say 'I understand'.

And just a rebuttal to her point, like who would care if you're drunk? If you are influenced by alcohol, even drunk Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo can just say and do just anything. So she should never tell me what to do when I'm drunk because even her would most likely do that if she's drunk. (And I was right)

Anyways... right now, I can still feel hatred against him. I hate non-sense confrontations. If I would confront him with it, he will just most probably (and this I'm sure about) give me VERY VAGUE STATEMENTS or WORST HE WILL JUST LIE LIKE WHAT HE ALWAYS DO!

So I think I just have to shut up and continue living like before -- I don't care about him... what he'll do, who he's dealing with and the like.

INDIFFERENCE STARTS NOW.